Sunday, August 28, 2011

A LoL post?!

So I've started playing League of Legends with Josh and Branden recently (don't look at me like that, California Crowd) and I've been trying to get better with one particular character-- Zilean, the Chronokeeper. Basically he's a support character that specializes in time manipulation. Also, he has a huge damn clock strapped to his back at all times.

A classy fellow, in other words. In that spirit, I present to you: Zilean image macros!

I have no regrets.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Remember that game, Oregon Trail?

Man, I used to be all about that game when I was younger. I was sorta naive, though. Among the things it taught me:

1) People will commonly die from minor infections caused by gunshot wounds.
2) Do not eat the tiny red berries. They will kill you.
3) Do not give people sparse rations and a grueling pace, no matter how fast you want to get to Oregon.
4) Do not buy Daffy's Elixir. If you do buy Daffy's Elixir, do not drink it.

That fourth one was especially tricky for me, as I was a highly naive and trusting child. Therefore I took the vendor at his word when I saw the following advertisement:

Daffy’s original and famous elixir salutis: the choice drink of health: or, health-bringing drink. Being a famous cordial drink, found out by the providence of the Almighty, and (for above twenty years) experienced by himself, and divers persons (whose names are at most of their desires here inserted) a most excellent preservative of man-kind. A secret far beyond any medicament yet known, and is found so agreeable to nature, that it effects all its operations, as nature would have it, and as a virtual expedient proposed by her, for reducing all her extreams unto an equal temper; the same being fitted unto all ages, sexes, complexions, and constitutions, and highly fortifying nature against any noxious humour, invading or offending the noble parts. Never published by any but by Anthony Daffy, student in physick, and since continued by his widow Elleanor Daffy.

"By Jove!" I thought. "This could be exactly what I need to curb the growing epidemic of (alternately) Malaria, Dysentery, and The Cholera that has been plaguing my wagon train for the last several weeks! Brilliant!"

Which would've have been just fine if I hadn't, in a fit of youthful exuberance, decided that the opportunity to acquire multiple bottles of the marvelous elixir was a higher priority than keeping up my stores of food and ammunition. I'd always end up with an inventory that looked like:

Oxen (4)
Ammunition (2 bullets)
Guns (1)
Rations (4 days worth)
Duffy's Elixir (Five hundred pounds)

For some reason, the people I had conscripted into my wagon train were none too pleased at the development.

Me: "Everyone! I know it's been rough going, but it's time for more Sparse Rations with a Grueling Pace! We've got to get to Oregon before winter, you know!"
Hapless Traveler: "But... but I haven't eaten in two days! I've started having hallucinations where our oxen grow tentacles and try to eat me!"
Me: "Don't worry, we have several hundred pounds of Daffy's Elixir. It'll cure what ails ya!"
Hapless Traveler: "But it burns! And I think it makes the hallucinations worse!"
Me: "That's just the wood alcohol. Now drink up!"
Hapless Traveler: "But I--"
Me: "DRINK. UP."

The moral of this story is that I should never be put in charge of travel plans.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Magical Telekinetic Ellis?

How can I lose?!

Also, to everyone I'm going to be playing this campaign with: My heartfelt apologies to all of you in advance.


"Man, you can't skimp on the details when you're doin' ritual work. Like, this one time, Paul was tryin' out an idea from an old tome we bought from this creepy old man, and it involved making a summonin' circle, right? So there we were, drawin' one up, and the recipe called for human blood, but then Paul was all like 'Hey, blood's blood, right?' and used some from a chicken instead. So anyway, the spell summoned up a balor, and when the circle didn't work it grabbed hold of Paul and--"
"Isaac, is this the best time?"


"Man, magical research is tricky. Like, this one time I was tryin' to open up a portal to Yuggoth for the purpose of layin' down some new leylines, right, but just at the apex of the spell Paul tripped on his own shoelaces and fell into the portal. Don't ask how it works, but turns out time in Yuggoth goes about a hundred times as fast as it does here, so when we finally managed to conjure Paul back up that evening he looked like one o' them homeless guys you find raving on the street. Man, I laughed so hard I nearly--"
"Isaac, we really don't have time for this right now."


"Man, you can never have too much protective gear. Did I ever tell you about when Paul pawned off his holy symbols, on accounta his mom kickin' him out of the house? About five angry ghosts possessed him that very night. I thought it was just one ghost at first, but then I brought in this necromancer, and apparently it was his first time seein' ghosts possessin' ghosts possessin' ghosts. Makes you think, man. So we got this tub of water--"
"Isaac, could this story wait?"

Sunday, August 14, 2011




Today's topic: Team Cohesion in Left 4 Dead!

Now, for all y'all who don't know, L4D is a game where a team of four people kill zambies, and the four zambies try to kill them back. Now, this is a very, very team-oriented game-- if Side One can communicate well and Side Two can't, the former will roll over the latter like a steamroller over a twinkie. So team cohesion's pretty important. But how is it affected by external circumstances? THIS, friends, is the subject of tonight's BLOG POST.

If you know everyone on your team, cohesion's going to be pretty good. That is because, of course, you know your team will be free of the backbiting that goes on in other groups, and because you already have respect for each other's judgement (hopefully.)

Now... where this can go horribly wrong is if your team is losing-- and not just losing, but being crushed by the other team. This is where it can be advantageous to have one person on your team who your group doesn't know! Whereas in a team fully made up of personal friends there is no ready and appropriate outlet for your frustrations, one can simply boot the unknown quantity out of a three-friend-plus-one-stranger team, thereby preserving the egos of all involved. Everyone wins*! Observe the following genuine** conversation illustrating this:

Situation 1: Max, Blake, Jesse and I are on a team.

Me: OHHHH NOOOO, we're losing horrifically!
Blake: Man, we gotta start executing our ambushes all at once. We're getting slaughtered.
Me: Is that a jab at me? IS IT?
Max: I think my problem is to do with lag.
Blake: Well maybe I wouldn't have to jab at you if you went with the team!
Me: How dare you Blake, I will find you, I will hunt you down--

Situation Two: Blake, Max, me and an Unknown Person (UP) are on a team.

OHHHH NOOOO, we're losing horrifically!
Blake: Man, we gotta start executing our ambushes all at once. We're getting slaughtered.
Me: I think it's that new guy. He's terrible.
Max: Agreed.
Blake: Agreed.
(Unknown Person has been kicked from the game!)
(general rejoicing and merriment ensues)


*I should also note the possibility that I am a terrible person.
Genuine in the sense that nobody can prove it didn't happen.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Weekend Debauchery!?

Okayokayokay, so, I haven't blogged in a few days, thereby reneging on my agreement with HTMC to match his blogging pace. But! I've got a good reason for it! Specifically that this weekend I was at Branden's beach house, the one and only place where I actually get drunk. 'Course, this plus the fact that we only go there about once every month or two means that I have the alcohol tolerance of a diseased chipmunk.

Not a bad thing!

Now, some fellas take pride in being able to hold their liquor. Hey, I can understand that a man has to prove his manliness somehow, and we can't all arm-wrestle bears like Jesse does each weekend. So one way of enjoying alcohol is, indeed, the pride of being able to consume large amounts.

Still, I find it convenient to be an uber-lightweight sometimes, particularly:

1) When the alcohol being served is in its purest (read: least drinkable) forms, thereby allowing me to get away with having as few shots as possible, and
2) When it's a Bring Your Own Booze event and I really only need to spend about seven bucks to get entirely drunk off of Mike's Hard Lemonade Light. Awwwww yeah. Also, don't judge me, girly drinks are fantastic. This is attested to by the fact that I have conversations like:

Me: Hey guys! Who's ready to begin drinking-game type festivities?! I know I am. Even brought my own drinks!
Branden: Ahhh, you've just got Mike's Hard Lemonade! That's not like a real drink! A real man drinks vodka spiked with tequila spiked with rum, and follows it with a chaser made of equal parts industrial ethanol and fireball gin. I am embarrassed-- nay, ashamed-- to sit at the same table as a man who plays King's Cup with such a drink as Mike's Hard Lemonade!
Me: I think you mean Mike's Hard Lemonade Light.
Branden: ....
Me: It means it doesn't have suga--

(Five minutes later)

Branden: Hey, mind if I have some of that?

Good times all around.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

CSI: Uberwald

"Well, Jenkins, this is a pretty picture. Two corpses on the ground, one obviously a vampire, the other obviously drained by that same vampire."
"Just so, sir. But what killed the vampire?"
"Ah! A tricky question. You see, Jenkins, this is why they pay me the big bucks."
" you say, sir."
"It's clear to me that the dead human here was an alcoholic! You see the unshaven face, you smell the stench of cheap liquor on his clothes? I'd bet this man was just passed out in the alley, and the vampire decided to take advantage of the situation."
"And its death?"
"Elementary, my dear Jenkins. You see, vampires cannot abide alcohol. Their livers are nonfunctional, which is why they need the pure blood of a sober human. So when this he fed on this poor fellow, it went poorly for him."
"But sir, you cannot mean--"
"Yes, Jenkins. The vampire...."

"...died in vein."