Sunday, June 5, 2011

True Blood'd

Hey! So I recently tried watching a bit of HBO's True Blood, on recommendation from a reviewer comparing it to The Sopranos and A Game Of Thrones, and I gotta say, I'm not impressed. For a couple of reasons, first of which is that...

Everyone Has Lots And Lots Of Sex

Okay, so basically the way all of the male-female interactions work in this series is:

Partner A (can be male or female): I'm feeling sad!
Partner B: Aww, I'm sorry.
Partner A: Can you help me resolve these emotions with furious boning?
Partner B: Okay!
A and B: PANTS TIME!

But that's perhaps the least of True Blood's failings! For you see, it also features...

Oddly Mixed Aesops

One of the main characters, Bill, is a vampire who chooses not to subsist on human blood for moral reasons (opting instead for the titular TruBlood, a synthetic blood-alike that vampires can subsist on, in much the same way that humans can subsist on an all-turnip diet.) So we've got a very clear, very predatory vampire culture here, right? And the main character's deviation from this (as well as his backstory) clearly indicate that the hideous evil of vampires in general is more of a cultural thing than a condition intrinsic to vampires. Anybody familiar with Drizz't knows the type of thing I'm talking about here.

Except it's inconsistent. Minor spoiler time: at the end of the first season a girl is turned to a vampire. Basically the transition is:

Girl: "Oh dear! Do not turn me into one of you unholeh bein's! Mah church will nevah think the same of meh if you do this thang! I could nevah hurt a flah, much less--"
Vampire: Om nom nom nom

(one scene later)

Girl: "SO WHO'S GOOD TO EAT IN THIS TOWN LAWL" (I swear this is ripped verbatim from the next scene you see her in. Well, 'cept for the lawl bit. But you can tell she was thinking it.)

It's just minor things like that which disrupt suspension of disbelief-- far worse, however, are

Characters Who Don't Ever Learn Anything, Ever

Drug Pusher: Hey, guy! Wanna buy some vampire blood? It's an aphrodisiac!
Hapless Mark: I dunno... the last time I bought vampire blood from you I ended up with a raging, twelve-hour case of priapism culminating in a scarring, anasthesia-free trip to a hospital wherein a team of highly skilled surgeons went at my junk with scalpels and needles the size of your hand, during which I was fully conscious and in such pain that all I could hope was that the doctors would allow me to bleed out and thereby hurl me into the sweet embrace of nonexistence.
Drug Pusher: Oooh, that's rough. Would it help if I gave you a free sample this time?
Hapless Mark: ...
Drug Pusher: Two free samples?
Hapless Mark: Well.... okay.
Viewer: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU--